Sunday, March 18, 2012

Emotional today

I have honestly felt on the verge of tears for the majority of today.  And I have no concrete reasons for this.  I started to think about possible reasons for this insanity as I was crying on Kevin's lap as he sweetly stroked my hair earlier, and the only conclusion I could come to was that I'm fatigued.  I'm waiting fatigued.  I know.  Not a real reason to cry, right?  I mean, people all over the world -- and I don't even have to go that far -- all over this county have harder things to deal with, and I'm fatigued due to waiting?  I don't actually know if it's that; that was just a guess. 

I know in writing this that I'm likely to come off as whiny and impatient and immature and misunderstood.  But excuse me for a minute while I use my blog to write about me.  The real me.  The one that few ever see because I'm so programmed for mercy and understanding and encouragement for others.

Believe me, I'm not trying to be a martyr here.  I'm really not.  I think that's some of the reason I'm so tired.  I'm tired because my intentions and desires are really as pure as they can be, and I use a lot of energy defending them to myself and to God and to others.

I don't want our new house because I want to be like somebody or because I'm jealous of anyone else.  I don't want it because it's beautiful or because it's in a nice neighborhood.  I don't want it because I want to get out of Rantoul.  I don't even want it because my kids will be likely to get into one of the better schools in Champaign by living there.

I want it because God my Father told me it's ours and because it's what our family genuinely needs.

I want it the way a barren woman wants a child.  The way an unemployed father wants to provide for his family.  I want it the way that Jesus wants each one of us for his very own.  I want it for the peace it would provide our family as we take it upon ourselves to provide safety and comfort for my brother-in-law.

I've seen plenty of other beautiful homes, and I can honestly say that God was right there with me telling me I was wasting my time.  See for me, looking at other houses was not about finding one that was bigger or better in any way.  I'll never find something that would fit our family's needs better than the one we're waiting on.  Looking around has been about finding something that would work so that the timing will be what I want it to be.  It's so that I can put my crazy mind to rest in knowing that Natalie is registered for school in Champaign, Nathan and Nola are transferred down to Champaign for Head Start, and there's an end in sight to paying so much for gas.

But those are not God's main goals.  I believe that God's main goal in all of this is to teach me to hear his voice, follow his leading, wait for his timing, and find joy in the waiting.  So far I've really struggled with those last two.  But I got a suggestion from a very wise woman at church today to just act as if I've already gotten the answer I'm waiting for from these people.  After all, I've already heard the answer from God, so why do I need to wait on somebody else to tell me the same thing?  Makes sense to me.  So this week I plan to joyfully wait for God's timing.  I will be using my spring break to do some spring/moving cleaning.  I'm going to get rid of everything I wouldn't want to pack up and move, and I'm going to love every minute of it.  I'm going to bless people with things that they need and I have but am not using.  I'm going to just get rid of everything that has been sitting in closets and on shelves since we moved into this house.  So be watching Facebook for pictures of stuff I'm getting rid of.  Heck, I may just hold a free garage sale and watch it all fly off my driveway.

God is moving.  This family of mine is moving.  I might as well get moving too.

Here it is...please be praying for us!

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