When doing the right thing is the hard thing

Seems like I have had to do this a lot lately.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm just in a confrontational period of my life right now, but most of the time I know that what I'm doing is the thing that God wants me to do.  I hope the latter is correct.  Probably like most people, I feel justified in my belief that something is right or wrong.  I just pray that I am listening closely enough to what God wants from me in these situations.

The initial choice is usually the easy part for me.  Or at least it has been lately.  It's the AFTER.  The wondering, "was that right?  Did I come off as selfish or controlling or was I able to speak the truth in love?  Did God really say to do that or was that just my imagination, which is obviously controlled by my own motives?"

Tonight I had to do it again.  I felt in my gut that something wasn't right.  I prayed about it, asked for direction, felt like God's leading was obvious, and took action.  As usual, the other party wasn't happy.  But the title of this post is not "When doing the right thing is the AWESOME thing that everyone will adore you for."  This is hard.  It stinks.

I know that my choice was the best one for my child, but I still feel crappy about it.  I'm going to ride out this season of hard conversations and disappointed and angry people.  I'm going to hang on and try to see what God is teaching me through all this.  Diplomacy?  Obedience to him even when it sucks?  How to gracefully do the not-so-fun side of parenting and leadership?

One foot in front of the other.  Moving on.

Man, it's been a long time!

I don't know what to say other than LIFE IS CRAZY right now!!  It seems like any free moment I get, I do not want to spend trying to write a coherent blog post that looks like it was written by someone who knows the English language.  So I sit and cruise pointless TV like "The Bachelorette" or "Teen Mom."  (Confession:  I love drama.  Other people's drama.  Drama that causes me to be thankful for the lack of drama in my own life.)  (How many times can I say drama in this post?)

So let me briefly recap the events of the past 3ish months.

late March to mid-April:  Officially accepted into the nursing program.  Busy looking for a new home.  Found one and signed the lease on April 13 with move-in date set for June 1st.  Registered Natalie for school and had my fingers crossed that we would end up at Barkstall.
April to mid-May: Finish my spring semester and kids' school year came to a close.  Become determined to get a head start on packing.
late May: still have not packed. Randomly decided to make a call about Natalie's school placement since I hadn't heard anything yet.  Found out later that day that she was PLACED AT BARKSTALL!!  Enrollment needed to be completed the following day!  Thank you, GOD for prompting me to call!!!
May 30th: packing like a crazy woman.
June 1st-June 3rd: Entertaining kids while packing (haha) while Kevin paints and cleans the house.
June 4th: MOVING DAY!  Loaded up the kids and took them to Lyila's!  Thanks again, Lyila!  We spent a very long day getting everything done.  But oh what sweet relief to be all the way into our new house.
June 6th to June 11th: Kevin was completely immobilized due to all the lifting and painting and other amazing things he did to get us in our home.
June 11th: I started my summer insanity class.  Life got immediately more nutso since it was my self-appointed job to wear the kids out before I go to class so they'll be napping for the majority of the time I'm gone in the afternoon.  Hello, parks and playgrounds and walks and busyness!
July 3rd to 8th: Embark on our first-ever family vacation to Pensacola, Florida.  We had an amazing time.  The kids did surprisingly well minus a few interstate-induced meltdowns.  So well, in fact, that we're going to make this trip an annual one.  We visited with some of Kevin's friends from his football days at the University of Tennessee on the way back.  They were some of the sweetest people you can imagine.  Can't wait until we see them again in September!  
Today, July 12th: I finished my 5th week of anatomy and physiology today.  Only 3 weeks left.  I can't wait until it's done!!
Up next: Natalie is going to be busy over the next three weeks.  She's at her dad's visiting with her grandparents now through Sunday.  Then next Thursday they'll take her on another trip.  She'll return Monday the 23rd.  We'll have a meeting with her kindergarten teacher on the 24th, and then she starts school either the 25th or 26th!
After that: I officially start NURSING classes (!!!) on August 20th, and Nathan begins HeadStart after Labor Day.  

In between all of these activities, I, along with my dear friend Christine, have been working hard on organizing the mom's ministry at church with a bunch of amazing women.  We have about three to four meetings a month plus phone calls every day or at least every other day.  God is all over this ministry, and we are so so so excited to see the impact of all this hard work in the coming year. 

At the end of last year when I was envisioning how this summer would look, I never pictured any of this.  It's amazing what happens when God lights a passion in my heart for Him and His work, for school, for the vision Kevin and I have for our family, for my future career, for all of it. 

And I'll leave you with some pictures!


Grrrrr....well, I would leave a sampling of pictures over the last few months, but my phone and computer are refusing to cooperate.  I'll get back to this later.  I'm in no mood for finicky technology at the moment! :)

house story

I've been "writing" this story in my head for awhile, but it's just not coming together as I would like.  So my hope is that by getting it out of my head and into black and white it will suddenly congeal and make sense in a way that it's not currently.

So if you've talked to me at all or glanced in my general direction while I've had my laptop on my lap anytime in the last two months, you'll know that we've been searching desperately for a new place to call home. 

A quick google search will define "desperate" this way:

"Tried in despair or when everything else has failed; having little hope of success"

This is exactly what my attitude has been for about two months.  And it has literally been suffocating.  After hearing that we had not been selected for the house we REALLY wanted, I tried to make sense of what I had felt God say to me about that house during that time of waiting for the decision.  Had I missed something?  Did I interpret his leading incorrectly?  Did I even know what I was listening to?   And the answer, plain and simple, was "Yes, you do know what you're listening to.  But now I have a new plan."

So, okay God.  You've got this.  We decided that we would stay where we are and be happy with how blessed we've been here.  I even went so far as to make a schedule of how I expected my weeks would go in the fall when the craziness of nursing school ensues.  That was on April 9th.  I budgeted time for driving both ways to school, study time, class time, even a small two-hour slot for TV time on Mondays.  I got some acceptance about where God had placed us.

Then Tuesday the 10th after Mom2Mom, I decided to take the kids out to lunch.  As we were driving up Prospect heading to Wendy's since I really wanted a spicy chicken sandwich and the kids' nuggets come with 5 each, so I can just take one out of each of them to give to Nola (very economical, no?), the thought of Fazoli's popped into my mind.  Okay, I've never taken them there.  But we've had plenty of chicken nuggets in our lives, why not do something different?  So with very enthusiastic kids, I pulled into Fazoli's and we went in to eat.

As we were sitting there enjoying various delicious pasta dishes, the realtor who had shown us a house in Savoy (and had selected someone else for said house in Savoy) stopped at our table and said, "I don't know if you remember me."  To which I said, "Of course I do!" And she said, "There's a house that is just coming available, and I think it would be perfect for you guys."  Astounded, I probably mumbled a muddled thanks so much.  And she gave me the address and told me to talk to Kevin and give her a call if we wanted to see it.

For the rest of the meal, I was trying to be the good mom who doesn't let her kids throw stuff on the floor and act crazy because she was sitting pretty close to us.  Luckily, they were in a cooperative mood and super cute that day.  So I got the kids loaded up after we were done eating and took them to school, came home and put Nola down for a nap, and waited for Kevin to get home.  When I told him about it, he was excited to go see it.  So we called Fawn and made an appointment to see it that Thursday.  To be honest, I was a little apprehensive about going to see this house because I just didn't want to be disappointed again.  But I tried to pull it together and get excited about what we would see.

Thursday finally came after the longest Wednesday forever in the history of the world, and we dropped the kids off and headed down to Champaign which felt like another of our house-hunting dates where we get really excited about a house and then drive home with a whole lot of anxiety over whether or not we'd get it.  On the way down, Fawn called to confirm the appointment.  She hadn't done that when we had seen the house in Savoy, so that was sort of exciting.  When we pulled up in front of the house, I felt a peace and a sense that my heart was opening to whatever we'd find there. When we stepped inside, there was such serenity that we felt welcomed into some huge loving arms.  As we walked through the house, I really began to picture us there.  That was crazy because the rooms are much smaller than we have now, but the flow of the house and the peace we felt were indescribable.  Toward the end of the showing, Fawn made it clear that she had pretty much decided we were the future tenants of the house if we wanted it.  She said that she did have someone coming right behind us, and if they were to turn in an application that she'd have to give it consideration.  But in her mind, we were the ones she was going to recommend to the owner.

We walked out of there on cloud ninety-nine.

Not thirty minutes later, she called to tell us that she was pleased to inform us that we were selected for the home.

TOTAL ELATION!!

The best part about all of this is that I've learned to trust God in a way that I never have before.  I am absolutely certain that He knows what we need before we do, and He's so ready to give it to us as long as we ask and are willing to wait for His response.

Another extra cool part of this story is that our friend, Angela stopped me after a Mom2Mom meeting in March to tell me that during worship and ministry time she had gotten a picture of a house for us.  She didn't want to say it in the group for whatever reason, but when she told me I immediately thought of another house we had considered.  I showed her that picture, but it wasn't exactly like what she had seen in her mind.

After seeing the picture of this house, she exclaimed, "THAT'S IT!"

I'm so thankful for amazing people around us who encourage us and are willing to share God's thoughts with us.

Can't wait to move and spend all summer with my kids in the pools and parks making them tired so they can go home and take a nap while I go to school only 5 miles from our house!

God is totally and utterly amazing.

Emotional today

I have honestly felt on the verge of tears for the majority of today.  And I have no concrete reasons for this.  I started to think about possible reasons for this insanity as I was crying on Kevin's lap as he sweetly stroked my hair earlier, and the only conclusion I could come to was that I'm fatigued.  I'm waiting fatigued.  I know.  Not a real reason to cry, right?  I mean, people all over the world -- and I don't even have to go that far -- all over this county have harder things to deal with, and I'm fatigued due to waiting?  I don't actually know if it's that; that was just a guess. 

I know in writing this that I'm likely to come off as whiny and impatient and immature and misunderstood.  But excuse me for a minute while I use my blog to write about me.  The real me.  The one that few ever see because I'm so programmed for mercy and understanding and encouragement for others.

Believe me, I'm not trying to be a martyr here.  I'm really not.  I think that's some of the reason I'm so tired.  I'm tired because my intentions and desires are really as pure as they can be, and I use a lot of energy defending them to myself and to God and to others.

I don't want our new house because I want to be like somebody or because I'm jealous of anyone else.  I don't want it because it's beautiful or because it's in a nice neighborhood.  I don't want it because I want to get out of Rantoul.  I don't even want it because my kids will be likely to get into one of the better schools in Champaign by living there.

I want it because God my Father told me it's ours and because it's what our family genuinely needs.

I want it the way a barren woman wants a child.  The way an unemployed father wants to provide for his family.  I want it the way that Jesus wants each one of us for his very own.  I want it for the peace it would provide our family as we take it upon ourselves to provide safety and comfort for my brother-in-law.

I've seen plenty of other beautiful homes, and I can honestly say that God was right there with me telling me I was wasting my time.  See for me, looking at other houses was not about finding one that was bigger or better in any way.  I'll never find something that would fit our family's needs better than the one we're waiting on.  Looking around has been about finding something that would work so that the timing will be what I want it to be.  It's so that I can put my crazy mind to rest in knowing that Natalie is registered for school in Champaign, Nathan and Nola are transferred down to Champaign for Head Start, and there's an end in sight to paying so much for gas.

But those are not God's main goals.  I believe that God's main goal in all of this is to teach me to hear his voice, follow his leading, wait for his timing, and find joy in the waiting.  So far I've really struggled with those last two.  But I got a suggestion from a very wise woman at church today to just act as if I've already gotten the answer I'm waiting for from these people.  After all, I've already heard the answer from God, so why do I need to wait on somebody else to tell me the same thing?  Makes sense to me.  So this week I plan to joyfully wait for God's timing.  I will be using my spring break to do some spring/moving cleaning.  I'm going to get rid of everything I wouldn't want to pack up and move, and I'm going to love every minute of it.  I'm going to bless people with things that they need and I have but am not using.  I'm going to just get rid of everything that has been sitting in closets and on shelves since we moved into this house.  So be watching Facebook for pictures of stuff I'm getting rid of.  Heck, I may just hold a free garage sale and watch it all fly off my driveway.

God is moving.  This family of mine is moving.  I might as well get moving too.

Here it is...please be praying for us!

Thank you, Jesus.

Matthew 6:31-33

"So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?'" (or my current worry, where will we move?) These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Sigh...

I never realized how much I hate waiting.  Restated:  I never realized how similar I am in this way to my 5-year-old.  I like feedback.  I like step-by-step progress reports.  I like met deadlines.  I thrive in schedules and plans.  Perhaps this is why God gave me Nola, and for that matter Kevin.  They are so not the same as me.  Maybe I'm supposed to learn to be more flexible.  I don't think God is asking me to totally change who I am, but I think He wants me to be less fixated on schedules and expectations.  

So while we're in this period of waiting for word that we did or didn't get a house that would meet all of our present and foreseeable needs, God wants me to relax.  To spend my time doing all the little things that will prepare me one way or another for moving to that house or another one. 

I've felt in my spirit ever since the first time that I saw a picture of the house that it was the one for us.  There was a little delay between that and actually making contact with anyone about it.  And once I drove by it and then eventually walked through it and realized that it was even better for us than I thought, I completely feel like it's ours.   Believe me when I say that I have more to go on than just feelings.  I have words and pictures and prayers from myself and other people guiding and confirming my thoughts.  I hear God speaking to me more at this time in my life than any other.  It's just the waiting that is driving me crazy.  It's crazy that I'm feeling God move in all sorts of ways, but here I am asking him to move faster?!  

But this scripture, as well as many others, has spoken to me.  So yes, I'll continue to wait.  What other choice do I have, right?  I can't promise that I'll always be patient and composed.  I definitely will lose it sometimes.  But I will learn through this that any schedule, expectation, or plan that I have cannot even begin to compare to any schedule, expectation or plan that God has for me and my family.

Gold dust

A couple Sundays ago at church, Kevin and I went down for prayer after the service.  We went for quite a variety of reasons, not the least of which was all the stress surrounding Kevin's brother Michael moving in with us. 

Tamara was name of the lady who prayed for us, and she prayed so beautifully and powerfully.  Kevin and I were both crying and laughing at the same time.  She told us that the word that kept popping up in her mind was "best," and since we had also asked for prayer for our small group I immediately thought that she was going to say that we didn't have to worry about being the best at anything.  But that was not what she (and God) had in mind at all.  She said, "I just feel like God is saying he has his absolute best for you."  In my head, "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Out of my mouth, "wow."  And then she said that she had a picture of us, and gold dust was falling on us. 

This had been the second time in just a week that I had heard gold dust mentioned in reference to something spiritual.  The previous weekend had been Holy Spirit night, and even though we weren't there I had seen on some facebook statuses that gold dust had fallen that night.  At that point I had become intrigued, so I went to google to find some more information about this.  And this is what I found..."The gold dust appearing helps remind us of the spiritual truth that God is majestic and rich in spiritual blessings."  (from The Rising Light website)


I really took to heart what she had said, and throughout the rest of the day I was certain that God is calling us to something amazing.  On Tuesday after that Sunday, I was at the bank cashing a check and when I got the cash back the teller said, "oh one of those has some glitter on it - it's special!"  I didn't really hear what she said at first, or maybe it just didn't register.  But as I pulled away from the window and went to set the money down I saw it.

Above my thumb near the 1 on the left....gold glitter.

I broke down in the parking lot and cried, thanking God for His faithfulness.  Sure, it's just glitter, not real gold dust.  But to me, it's more about the symbolism.  I love how God just speaks into my life in ways that I absolutely can't miss.


Our blessings are totally coming, and I'm all in as I enjoy the ride!

Word of the year: growth.

Have you ever had an experience that is so life-changing that you wake up the next day or a few days later and feel as though you've lived several years because your mindset is so drastically different?

This is how I've been feeling for almost a month now after experiencing a conference so powerful that I'm still processing all that has changed in my mind and heart.  Our leadership training at church was this past Monday, and again I'm reeling.  In my prayer times with God lately, I've been feeling like the word of 2012 in my life is growth.  Spiritual growth, growth in leadership, personal growth, growth in my marriage, growth as a mother, growth growth growth growth.

I imagine that this is how babies feel when they hit a growth spurt.  They have no idea what's happening to them.  All they know is it's strange.  It's a desperate, constant, impossible to ignore, needing, wanting feeling that propels them to the next stage of their development.  All they want to do is eat and be nurtured and encouraged and loved as they try to conquer the confusion that is rapid growth.

So like a baby, I'm overwhelmed at the rate of growth I'm experiencing.  I have no idea whether or not the changes in my life and my thinking are visible to people around me yet.  I've never experienced anything like this before, and at times it's completely overwhelming -- especially when I start thinking of all these things that "I" need to do.  It's easy to try and think of my new responsibilities as my own, which produces anxiety and doubt that I'm good enough.  But thankfully I don't have to be good enough because there was only one person who was ever good enough and He died so that I don't have to worry about measuring up.   I must remind myself that the responsibilities I'll soon have are not my own.  There is no way I'd do any of it without God's guidance and grace.

So here's to growth, growth, and more growth over the next several months!  Pray for me!

Growing up, reaching out

I learned a few valuable life lessons this week.

- Sometimes people will hurt others because they're not okay with themselves.
- Sometimes I'll be the one who gets hurt.
- Sometimes I'll hurt others, and that's not okay.
- I'll never get the opportunity to know the good in anyone unless I look for it.
- Sometimes it takes a death to see.
- Sometimes it's just not about the unkindness I've experienced.
- Sometimes it's about the love and passion someone shows in other areas of their lives.
- Above all, God's timing is perfect.

I've spent the last week a self-righteous, jealous, angry, vengeful mess.  I've said and felt some things that I'm ashamed of - things I'd be really quick to point out as wrong in someone else, I'm sure.  I've had to ask God to do a miracle in my mind and heart.  And boy did he show out.

On Friday, I felt that I needed to DO something to help.  So I spent 5 or 6 hours making food to take to a funeral dinner for a person who had done nothing but cause me harm and pain while living.  See, the reason I did that was because God revealed to me that there was more to this person and this situation than my narrow little mind could see.  Sitting in the funeral, I'm pretty sure I was crying as much as some of the close family and friends as I listened to the way this person had impacted the lives of those around her.  And I wondered if I had bothered to look for this side of her or if I had just gotten stuck in the victim role constantly holding a grudge and refusing to forgive her.

The truth is, this person has value - to her kids, her siblings, her friends, and even people who didn't even know her.  I had dismissed her value because I felt that she didn't acknowledge MY value.  I learned she had a passion for justice, for family, for life.  So what if she didn't have a passion for ME.  News flash:  Louise is not the center of the universe.  Ouch.

So anyway, God helped me do what I could to alleviate some of the weight on the rest of the family.  I'm so thankful for the experiences I've had over the past four days or so.  What a difference a change in perspective can make!

Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.

I've read this verse frequently in the past couple weeks and just last week added it to my list of verses that I want to memorize in the coming year.  And it just hit me as I read it tonight that if I teach my children nothing else, I hope I effectively teach them this.


Guarding their hearts will be my job for a few more years yet, but I hope that by the time they begin school and start to make some bigger choices for themselves they will have this embedded in their hearts and minds.  


I pray that they will be filled with the Holy Spirit and all the good thoughts and attitudes that come along with it.  It is my hope that they learn that the contents of their hearts will spill out into everything they do.  I want them to learn to guard their hearts and be aware that not everything in this world is good for them even though they have no reason to walk in fear because of parts of life that aren't so good.  Father, just protect my kids and help me teach them to appropriately guard their hearts.  Help them to be filled with all the good things you have for them.  In Jesus name, amen.

best moments ever

In the past couple weeks, we've had two amazing moments as a family.  Moments that make me proud to be a mother to MY children.  Moments that I've been dreaming of for years.  Moments that I want to breathe in, bottle up, wallow in, and bathe my soul in at the times (like today) when life with three kids under five is hard.

The first one happened at the end of dinner about a week and a half ago.  Kevin, Natalie, Nathan, and Nola were still at the table, and I was in the kitchen.  Nola had just learned how to clap her hands, and we were all saying, "YAY!!!!" And Nola would just giggle and clap and look around at each of us smiling at her.  It was one of the sweetest things I've ever experienced, and I remember as I was standing there watching that I was just reminding myself to totally soak up that moment.  Tears came to my eyes, and joy filled my heart.  All of us were blessed in that moment.

Then last night, Kevin and I were having a conversation as the kids were playing when I overheard Nathan say his foot hurt.  He didn't make much of a fuss about it, so I didn't either.  Just a minute later, I looked back over to where they were sitting and Natalie had his foot in her hands praying for him.  I sat in complete awe as she led him through the prayer.  She would say a line, and he repeated it back just like I do with each of them.   They finished, and I praised Natalie for taking the initiative to pray for her brother.  Then Kevin said his shoulders hurt and sort of hinted that they should pray for him.  So they went behind the couch where he was sitting and each of them put their hands on one of his shoulders.  Natalie led the prayer again.  Short, simple, to the point.  "Jesus, please make Daddy's shoulders feel better.  Pain, go in the name of Jesus. Amen!"  Kevin said it felt a little better, so I told the kids to pray again.  They happily obliged, of course.  After Kevin, they prayed for Nola's bronchitis to go away.  And then my little prayer warriors were back at it this morning praying for anything and everything.  I am sooooooo proud of them.  Can't even find the words to express what this means to me.  I am so in love with the fact that they do listen and follow my example, especially when I least expect it. 

So thank you, Jesus for my amazing children.  Bless them as they go about their daily lives and give them courage to pray for anyone and everyone who needs to be touched by You.  Help me to continue to live out your example for them so they will grow into the people they are in Your Kingdom.  Thank you for loving us, Jesus!  Amen!!!

the new Biblical definition of me

Galatians 6:10 NLT
Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.

This is my new favorite verse because it describes how I do life.  You know how people ask what your favorite verse is or to pick one that describes you?   This is it for me.  I love, and I mean LOVE helping people.  Giving things away that I don't need or don't use, sharing anything with anyone, just helping.  I love it.  I have things that I still am using now that I think about passing on to certain people that I know will either love it or really need it.  People and their needs are on my mind all the time.  


I say "new" Biblical definition of me because when people used to ask my favorite verse, I would always say Proverbs 20:11 because that is the verse that my parents chose for me when they gave me my first Bible when I was little.  Proverbs 20:11 is this, "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."  Pretty sure they were just telling me to behave by choosing that verse for me, but for the better part of my life that verse has lived in my mind as a reminder to consider how my actions might define who I am.  I'm going to teach Natalie this verse in the hopes that it will serve as the same reminder to her as she grows.


Nothing like passing on good words to grow by.

John 17:4

"I brought glory to you here on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."

Reading this verse makes me realize how close to (or maybe even still behind) the starting gate I am.  Finishing well is a goal of mine.  A very long term goal.  But a shorter term goal is to begin the work God is giving me to do.

Just recently I started to feel led to form a small group as I prayed and read my Bible on a more consistent basis.  Can I just say how much easier it is to hear God if you're actively listening?  What a revelation, right?!  Then at the last VLT training at church, I received some words from some friends and fellow M2M leaders that have really begun to push me.  Some of the words were leadership, responsibility for others, influence, and teaching.  After leaving VLT, I prayed the whole way home.  And I got a clear answer that I am to start a small group.  So I sat on that for longer than I probably should have, but I did finally reach out and talk to and exchange emails with one of the small group pastors.  And I filled out all the information for our group to start in February.  Phew.  My assigned work commenced: check. 

So now what?

I wonder every day who (if anyone) will show up.  I wonder if we'll even make it through the first month with any regular participants.  I fear failure.  I worry about how the kids will behave.  I know that I'll have to be stubborn enough to push through when Kevin wants to quit because his expectations for immediate success sometimes supercede any patience to see it all the way through. 

And despite all the anxiety that I feel, I know that it's not my plan.  It's God's.  And in a way, the anxiety is comforting because I know that I'm feeling this way because I'm doing the right thing.  It's like being crazy-nauseous when you're pregnant.  At least for me when I was without that awful feeling, I would worry that the pregnancy is okay since the nausea is a clear sign to me that things are going according to plan in there.  In that way anxiety is a great thing.

I'm already getting ideas of certain people and families that we should invite to participate in our small group.  I know God already has people picked out for us to get to know and do life with.  And every once in a while it's like He lets me in on his secret plan by showing me somebody that I should be pulling into our circle.

I can't say enough how excited I am to see where this goes.  So pray pray pray for us as we begin this new work that we would enjoy it, have amazing times with new people, and stick with it no matter what.

Daily Devotion

I've started doing a Bible reading plan through YouVersion by Joyce Meyers.  There's a piece of scripture along with a short devotion, and so far I'm loving it.  It is exactly what I need to "hear" right now.

Yesterday's devotion was about keeping the presence of God close to me to help me focus on what He would have for me rather than all of life's extra distractions.  She referenced John 14:23 which says "Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."  I love that it's that simple.  All I have to do is obey.  Strangely that's what I keep telling Natalie..."Life will be so much easier for you when you just do what I say!"  And then I read something like that, and I feel about as big as a peanut and my response is, "Ok, God.  I guess that applies to me too."  And then the best part is that Jesus promises that He and God (and the Holy Spirit) will come and make their home in me.  Love that!  I'm so thankful for the renovations that are going on in my heart right now to make a home for Jesus.


Today's devotion blew me away.  It's something I've been thinking about and having lots of visions and direct instructions about lately.  Dreams.  Not sleeping dreams so much as dreams of who I want to be and who God wants me to be.  For a really long time, those two dreams couldn't have been farther apart.  But I'm starting to see who I am in the Kingdom, and it's really, really exciting.  The verse for today is Proverbs 29:18 which says this: "When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild.  But whoever obeys the law is joyful."  Oh my goodness do I remember running wild thinking I'm running this show that is my life.  Still do sometimes, but not like I used to.  I'm enjoying the joy that comes with obedience, and I have a feeling it's only going to get better as I continue to follow the instructions I've been given.  In the devotional part of today's reading Joyce Meyers wrote this: "That means you...need to find a balance between contentment and ambition. Here's the key: Learn to enjoy where you are on the way to where you're going."  All I have to say is thank you God. 

Growth is an amazing thing.  And it's something that I'm finally seeing in myself while I'm going through it instead of seeing it in hindsight.

So thank you God for all you're doing in my life and in the lives of those around me.  Help me to stay focused on you and what you have for me so that I can remain obedient to your instructions and see the promises in your word.  Help me to live my dreams even as I do the footwork to make it all happen the way that You see it.  Thank you for loving me Jesus.  Amen.

John 14:27-29

The enemy is all over so many people I know lately.  People are sick, dying, sinning, imprisoned, depressed, confused, desperate, crying, and hurting.  Everyone from young children to older adults, no one is spared.  I ran across this verse tonight in the book of John.  Some context: Jesus was giving instructions and promises to his disciples before his capture and eventual crucifixion. 

And this is what he says John 14:27-29  “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.  Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am.  I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe."

I pray that Jesus will bring his peace to everyone I know who is suffering right now.  I pray that they would not be troubled or afraid but would instead rest in knowing that the peace of Jesus is covering them.  And I really feel like God is saying that He is going to use all these horrible things for the purpose of building stronger faith and making a lasting impression on those who do not believe yet.  I pray that He shows me the way to minister to all those that I know are hurting.  And that I'll be bold and obedient in stepping out to pray with them.  

So thank you, Jesus, for your promise of peace.  And thank you that you died so that we might live.  I lift up all my friends (who are really more like family) who are experiencing some hard times which are really more like impossible than hard.  Help their experiences to be faith-building and inspire new growth and belief in them and all those who surround them.  Thank you for giving me a heart for their hurts.  Help me to follow your lead in praying for and with them.  Give us all more of you.  In Your name I pray, amen.

I need to get with it.

So here I am, going about my every day life, passing up all kinds of blogging material.  Don't know what my problem is, but I promise I will rectify the situation.

Perhaps it's that I've been processing so much lately.  Like big stuff.  Really big stuff.  Stuff that is still not processed enough to post on a public blog because I have yet to figure it out myself.

So a brief rundown of the past several weeks...

 I turned 27 on October 17th.  I've never really experienced any really big changes or transitions around my birthday, so this year is a major exception.  I almost feel like I've actually aged instead of feeling the same the day after my birthday as I did the day before it.  It's quite an interesting feeling, and I'm still getting used to all that it brings.

A week after my birthday, I spoke at Mom2Mom on forgiveness.  Even though that's a topic that I'm sure I'll never master, preparing that talk gave me a lot of new insight on what it means to really forgive.  We had some really awesome and honest discussions followed by some amazing worship, great words of knowledge, and powerful ministry.  And I'm still hearing from ladies that were touched and challenged by my story.  God is so good, and I'm so blessed to have this refreshed perspective on His goodness.

Following that meeting I've had all kinds of stirrings for changes in my life.  This is the part where it becomes unprocessed and personal, so I'll omit details.  But let me just say that this time next year and maybe even just months from now, my life is likely to look completely different in many ways.

Then the week of Halloween was really crazy and busy, and I really don't even remember much of it.  Natalie went trick-or-treating with her dad and Liz and (of course) had a great time.  Then this past weekend she was with them as they were joined in marriage.  Congratulations to the both of you, and I wish you all the best!  Natalie had a blast being the flower girl and getting to spend time with all of her out-of-town family.

This past Sunday we went to church where Nola was dedicated.  It's really special when I think about what that really means.  The promise that we make publicly to raise our children so they know Jesus is so important and profound.  Again, so blessed for a new perspective on that.  The message was amazing.  Love when Jeff Augustine speaks.

Yesterday was VLT (Vineyard Leadership Training), and it was literally life-changing.  Still processing, so I'll get back to you on that.  You ladies who were there, I love you.  I am so thankful for the influence each of you is having on my life.

Mom2Mom today, and again amazing.  This group of women is incredible, and I really feel a new sense of unity and togetherness this year that I didn't feel last year.  I don't know if it's because I was new last year or if it's just because it's really happening that way this year, but I feel it.  And I love it.

There's the update on me.  Sorry it's a little vague, but stay tuned for more later.  Kids post will come later.  For now, it's quiet in my house.  Kids are at school, and Nola is asleep.  Sounds like lunchtime to me!

freaking. out.

Ok, maybe not fully freaking out.  But getting apprehensive.  There are four days until I speak at my mom's group at church, and although I know what I'm going to say (and may or may not have it typed out word for word), I'm starting to get nervous.  Kevin says I'll be fine, and I'll do a good job.  And that may be.  But for now, I'm anxious.

I'll take that as a sign that I need to pray and rely on the power of the Holy Spirit to settle my heart and mind. 

So come Holy Spirit and relieve my anxiety.  Help me to know that my words are not mine but instead are yours.  Thank you for the opportunity to heal some of my past hurts in preparation for this talk.  And help me to speak sloooowwwly and clearly.  In Jesus' name, amen.

one is the loneliest number

Reading my One Year Bible this morning, I came across this passage.

1 Timothy 5:24-25
Remember the sins of some people are obvious, leading them to certain judgment.  But there are others whose sins will not be revealed until later.  In the same way, the good deeds of some people are obvious.  And some good deeds done in secret will someday come to light.

This helps me realize that we ALL have some areas in which we fall short.  No matter how together I think some people have it, there are certainly things about them that I don't know.  If all of us could realize that deep, dark secrets exist in every human being, it might just be easier to call Satan a liar and dismiss the shame that comes from thinking "I'm the only one."  We might be more willing to share our shortcomings and confess our sins to each other. 

This is what I'm praying for today.  Will you join me?

Don't worry, be happy

I was just reading Philippians 4:6-7...

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

This passage makes me think about all the other things I associate with the phrase "don't worry."

Like this, for example.  Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy."  Can you imagine Paul singing this to the Philippians?  And adding that they should pray about everything, of course.  But the basic gist is there. 

The other association with "don't worry" I have is a memory of my grandma.  Whenever she would take us traveling or even when we'd stay at home and one of us would express a concern over details, she would say (in her Belgian accent with a New Yorker twist) "Don't wooorry about it!"  

I love remembering these things when I start to worry about something.  They instantly make me smile and remind me that things are not as big a deal as they seem in my head.

So thank you Paul.  Thank you Bobby.  And thank you Grandma.

21 days

There are 21 days until I am scheduled to speak at Mom2Mom, and I still haven't really nailed down what I'm going to say or even a subject about which to speak.

That is, until about 10 minutes ago when I was thinking about writing this post and something came to me.  We'll see if I can get enough material out of it to fill the time.  By the way, Holly...how much time do I have to fill?  I seem to remember like 30 minutes, but I don't know.

That being said, I'll tease with this.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me?  Seven times?" 
   "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"

That's all for now.  Gotta go write while the thoughts are flowing.

Today's prayer

Ephesians 4:14-21 
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him.  Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might as or think.  Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

I saw this passage referenced on our pastor's facebook status this morning, and I just had to go read it.  Of course, it touched me as it probably touches everybody who reads it or prays it.  I'm just thanking God for his infinite love that provides me with inner strength today.  Without that strength, I'm afraid this house would be in more of an uproar than it already is.

So God, I'm trusting you to remake this day.  Or change my attitude so that this day and everybody else in it doesn't affect what you have planned for me.  Thank you for my beautiful, healthy children, our home, and all the love you have for us.  In Jesus name, Amen.